About a month and a half ago, I moved to London to start University. Eli, my boyfriend, was also starting Uni in Brighton so not going to lie, I was stressing out about coping in a long distant relationship. I was also incredibly nervous about going to uni and wasn’t actually 100% sure whether I wanted to go or not, but I felt like I had to. Being 20, I felt like there was almost this huge amount of pressure and expectation for me to have my life figured out and for me to be on my way to a having/being in a successful career. I clearly didn’t feel like I did, therefore I applied for uni as I thought that would be the answer and sort me out for life. It sounds so stupid but it gets drilled into your head that you need a degree to have a big paying job and to go far in life, and be successful and happy but in my opinion that is absolute BS.
Of course I missed everyone when I moved away, and that didn’t help me feeling down, but I wasn’t enjoying the course either and I felt so lonely. I was literally crying myself to sleep almost every night. I would be on FaceTime with Eli saying how much I hate my life and how unhappy I am. I just didn’t feel like me at all. I have never felt so crap about myself and low on life. It got to the point where I didn’t want to wake up in the morning or get out of bed because I was dreading the day so much. It took me a while to actually come to terms with it all and my emotions. It’s really hard to explain, but I would be crying and feeling upset, but I didn’t want to actually dig deep into my thoughts and think about the reasons why and what I could do to solve it. If I didn’t address the problem then it wouldn’t actually be real. Which is obviously a really stupid way of dealing with it but that was just how I was thinking. Eventually I admitted to myself that I’m not okay and this needs to change. I was so scared to admit it. Not only to myself but also to my family. With my head feeling like it was about to explode for two weeks with trying to decide what to do, I finally made the decision that it wasn’t the path I wanted to go down and that I wanted to leave.
I withdrew from uni and I had a month in my accommodation halls to pack my stuff and leave. Not going to lie, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was getting closer to being back to my normal self. So I was still living in my halls, which was still a bit poop as I didn’t really enjoy my living situation buttttt I had no lectures to go to, so I had some time for myself. I met up with some friends which really helped me and kept me feeling a little bit more positive about things.
I know for a fact, in the future, I want to be living on the mainland. Eli and I have always loved Brighton and have both shared the idea of eventually living there in house etc and starting our lives together. Considering Eli is already Brighton, I decided that I didn’t want to be in London anymore and wanted to move down to Brighton. Like I said, not only do I love Brighton, but it is also close to London if I ever needed to visit, and it’s got a mixture of urban and rural. For some reason I thought I would be able to find a full time job and flat there within a month and I could move straight from London but no no, that was just not doable haha. So in the end I have moved back home with mum and dad to try and get back on my feet and get some money behind me, because god damn those student loans are haunting me. But honestly, I couldn’t feel happier right now. And knowing that I feel like that, makes me know that I’ve made the right choice.
Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that I went and I certainly do not regret it. I’m glad I experienced living by myself and being away from home and I’m also glad that I tried. But I now know that the student life isn’t for me, and again, that’s absolutely fine.
I can be an incredibly stubborn person and not want to be defeated, but this time, I admitted to defeat. And I have to remind myself that that is okay. Of course there is a small part of me that feels like I’m the biggest failure on earth for dropping out. Of course I feel embarrassed for myself and my family. Of course I am worrying about what the rest of my family are thinking and all the questions they are going to ask, but quite frankly, I need to remember that this is my life and I need to do what will make me happy. I have no bloody clue what is going to happen next haha but what will be will be and everything happens for a reason.
I understand that we all have down days and most of the time we can solider through it and everything will be fine, but don’t think that you have to ALWAYS to do that, because you don’t. It’s okay to not be okay and to want something different. It’s okay to feel sad, but make sure that you then do something about it. We only have one life, so try things out and if it doesn’t work or you don’t like it, then try the next thing. Life is too short to be living in regret or sadness, so if that’s how you feel, then make a change. Happiness is the most important thing in the world and never forget that.
“There is no practice run in life. You only get one chance.’